The Double Lives Of Our Kids

We all show up differently in different contexts, whether with kids, spouse, parents, friends, bosses. As my spouse and I go through our parenting of 2 high schoolers, what we’re realizing is how much kids lead double lives. What topics they bring up vs. what’s really on their minds, what they really think about parents, how they dress, what language they can use, what sort of media they can consume. In so many ways, kids often need to pretend to be something they are not feeling as being. I wanted to explore how might impact kids, now and much later in their lives, and also how it impacts us as well.

The Origin of Distance

As parents, we want the best for kids. Sometimes, our view on what should be done and what makes sense to kids can differ. A desire to buy something (like a fancy pair of shoes), to visit a certain place (why can’t we go to skiing instead of to a relative’s home during the holidays), to watch TV eating pop-corn, leaving things lying around — these are basic examples where kids may be left unheard or unfulfilled. And the result is distance that develops, where their view that their identity, their way of being — isn’t welcome in their parent’s home. Instead of their needs being fulfilled, they frame that they need to leave and later will do everything to cater to their desires.

The ability to make a difference in one’s situation is a key aspect of feeling in control. When you feel heard by your loved ones and your needs are processed in the family context in a way that seems rational to you, then regardless of the outcome, you feel in control. And hence comfortable and safe in that space.

And to flip it, if you throw a tantrum to get your wants — this suppresses your individuality because the effort to get something goes through the path of exhibiting behavior that isn’t your true self. Or if getting something and then needing to avoid the discussion or needing to hide what you did — similarly causes the child to avoid conversation about meaningful topics with their parents. And that shuts off a whole set of guidance and meaningful parenting the child could receive if only that channel remained open.

Implications of Distance

There’s short-term consequences, as in during their school years, for this distance that’s created. For one, they don’t confide with their parents, or tackle differences of opinion, instead preferring to share their frustrations with friends or counselors or other ‘understanding’ adults. Issues of self-esteem, bullying and peer pressure are left without discussion, since they can’t speak about that with their friends either. There’s the stress of coming back from school and needing to adjust how they show up to conform w/ the standards at home. There’s the awkwardness when multiple people from different groups happen to be in the same physical location and how should the child act — should they use bad language or reveal to their friends that they are clearly leading double lives. All this takes a toll on the child.

Longer term, does the child feel like their parents’ home is a welcome place or somewhere they have to go and continue the double life. Can they turn to the parents to share problems and seek counsel. Can they provide support, not as an obligation, but as an act of love. At some point, the desire to keep appearances breaks down and there’s a likely blow-up. There can be issues between the spouse and the parents as well that grow into domestic tensions, due to the lack of a communication channel allowing for differences to be aired. So in a way, something small missed early may be showing up 50 years later, unconnected.

Some Closing Thoughts

As I started writing this, I felt unqualified since I’m not a psychologist. However, I did want to share some of the things that I see in kids today and I worry what it portends for their futures. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it requires a shift in mindset. As high school counselors may mention in orientation sessions, as a parent you need to shift from their a manager to their a coach. And it isn’t just even that. Ultimately we are all here and part of each others lives only to a certain extent and have the privilege to share, mentor, AND learn from each other. If we approach parenting from that mindset and take pleasure in the times together and worry less about making them perfect, we can actually create better environments for our kids, and enable them for success and happiness.

So they don’t have to lead double lives…